In most cases, disagreeing is inevitable, especially with living together. So, with marriage, the inevitable arguments often come. But, after all, is it a problem to argue in front of the children?
Marriage – and arguments – after the children
In addition to maternity/paternity, there is a partnership – a marriage, a companionship. A relationship that before, didn’t have the right time to enjoy the delight of loving kisses or warm hugs, didn’t have time to settle that impasse of being late for lunch, of the unspoken “I love you”. The affections and discussions took place, in a certain dose, without time restrictions.
After all, a home is the most intimate place for these situations to happen naturally, for a “fight” to turn into a reconciliation, for a disagreement to turn into a debate. And it is at the time when we most need it that many times, we end up finding a problem in what should be the solution: communication suffers. The dialogue that should be the main ally becomes a problem.
Then the child is born, and we’ve always heard that it’s not cool to argue in front of the child. “He will become a spiteful adult”, “he doesn’t deserve to witness these arguments”, “it’s not right to argue in front of the children”, “this is adult conversation, don’t do it in front of the baby”. Amidst so many opinions, we do not stop to reflect on the real impact that discussing in front of a child can generate.
The difference between a fight and an argument
First, it is important to clarify the differences between a fight and an argument. The fight is when two people attack each other inconsequently, violently, either physically or even verbally, without the common goal of solving a problem. That’s when attacks are worth more than truce or solutions.
Discussions are when people debate a common problem and seek a resolution for them. There are hotter arguments, in which the two parties rage, but without losing their heads or going wildly attacking the other party. And the milder ones, where a problem pointed out by one of the parties is confronted by the other in a considered and balanced way. But what defines a discussion is raising the pros and cons of a problem without using violence, whether verbal or physical.
Discussions happen all the time, whether it’s because the husband took too long to respond to a call, when someone unnecessarily raises the tone, when that plan comes out very differently than expected. Fights are aggressive situations that negatively mark the routine. Discussions are necessary to settle small day-to-day impasses. Fights leave an atmosphere of disagreement in the air. They have negative consequences psychologically and sometimes physically.
But, after all, can I or can I not argue in front of my son?
Arguing is a cycle. The matter comes to the fore, the two parties take a stand, oppose each other, discuss, and then settle down. When discussions follow this script, it’s okay for them to happen naturally in front of a child.
Arguing is necessary to learn to pair a human being. It’s using dialogue to settle differences in how to raise a child, for example. It is natural for couples to argue. It’s natural to position yourself differently from the other’s posture, and it’s natural to talk about it. And it’s important that little ones know about cycles. About anger and calm, about arguments and compromises, about happiness and sadness.
Debate is an ally!
It is valid and necessary for us to raise children who know that disagreeing is not a negative thing, as long as they do it respectfully. This is to create people who take responsibility for their positions, consider the posture of the other, who know that every action has a consequence . That they know that parents are human and that they make mistakes but that they also get it right and that it’s okay for that to happen. It’s what will inspire our children to be open to listening to others’ opinions and, when necessary, to debate them. And also to be convinced and not be afraid to express your own opinion, knowing how to argue it.
Furthermore , solving impasses implies reflecting and seeking solutions, this movement encourages creativity and there is no better contribution for your child than stimulating their creative capacity! After all, the best ideas and innovations are born out of impasses.
Now fights usually happen in families that do not have dialogue as the main avenue of conflict resolution. In families that know how to dialogue with respect, tougher impasses may even come in the form of a hotter discussion, but they never resort to violence. It is not healthy for fights to happen in the presence of a child or even in the absence. Fights generate brands, and this is not positive for relationships.
Discussions are inevitable…
Even super controlled people, who use positive discipline as a rule in education, end up arguing at one time or another. Raising children, as explained at the beginning of the text, is very difficult and it’s okay that we are not 100% in agreement all the time and we have to discuss at some point. It happens. This should be used as a way to convey learning to children. After all, we humans learn precisely in relationships.
The important thing is always to remember to apologize, also in front of the little ones, and demonstrate how happy we are to be together with those we love and that it’s okay that these relationships are filled with moments of great happiness and more tense ones. Treading paths really have these things. And that’s okay. The important thing is to walk together.