A team of American psychologists and specialists working in marital therapy developed The Ten Commandments of the Couple. They bring a lot of wisdom to the lives and happiness of couples.
American psychologists, specialists in couples therapy, elaborated the “ten commandments” or basic rules for the good relationship and the maintenance of a peaceful, healthy and lasting relationship, based on loving and civilized dialogue.
Far from being definitive laws that can guarantee happiness and eternal love, these commandments only offer guidelines that can be useful when analyzing your marriage (or dating, engagement) and even help to correct small deviations that, over time, can grow and harm life together.
Never get angry at the same time
And when we talk about getting angry, we mean losing control to the point of exploding. The watchword here is “calm”. One of the two needs to try to keep calm for himself and bring it to the other, acting and doing the other act rationally. At these times, it is necessary to stay focused and avoid ironies or other provocative and “flammable” attitudes.
Don’t yell at each other
As the old advice says: “Don’t raise your voice, improve your arguments”. Nobody convinces the other by screaming, they just frighten, embarrass and oppress. If the other doesn’t seem to hear what is being said, pause the conversation, take a deep breath, try to approach the subject from a different perspective or at a more appropriate time, calmly and lovingly.
If the dialogue turns into an argument, let the other win
Unlike dialogue, discussion is a war and always requires a “winner”. And what good is it to “win” an argument and lose affection and respect? Let the other person have the final say if the conversation starts to get exasperated. This avoids major annoyances, fights and heartaches. If you think it’s necessary, come back to the subject later, in a more civilized way. If not, just forget about it and don’t cultivate grievances.
If you need to get the attention of the other, do it with love
Constructive criticism is one that intends to improve the other, without offending him or disrespecting his way of being. Sarcasm and acid criticism do not promote anyone’s evolution, they only generate sadness. An old rule of thumb advises citing two qualities before pointing out one flaw in the other. This prepares the heart for criticism. And let this one come with affection, not with fury or an air of superiority. After all, who owns the truth?
Don’t rescue past mistakes overcome
Nothing worse than, during an argument (which, as we saw in the 3rd commandment, should not even exist), someone starts “digging up” mistakes that the other has made in the past, just to “win” the argument. In addition to being disloyal, this resource tends to generate more hurt, cause frustration and block the growth of the other and the relationship itself. Mistakes from the past, which have already been properly forgiven and overcome, are waters that should no longer move the mills of the relationship.
Don’t be careless with each other
Often, the routine makes the spouse “invisible” to the other. Actions become mechanical, dialogues evasive, gestures of affection rare. One no longer sees what the other has done, does not listen to their problems or aspirations, does not comment on or participate in the other’s life. This lack of attention can become the beginning of the end. Life together is about interaction, exchange, partnership. It is necessary to be attending to the other, always.
Don’t go to sleep resentful of the other
If there was any disagreement during the day, it must be resolved on the same day. Sleeping with anger or resentment towards the other person, in addition to disrupting sleep, will cause this negative feeling to increase and turn into hurt. Sometimes, the rush of everyday life hinders couples’ dialogue, but it is important to open spaces for conversation (that’s right, boys, “DR”!). After all, the relationship should be no less important than work, study or other aspects of life.
Say at least one affectionate word a day to each other
Special tip for men: in addition to being demonstrated with daily gestures, love also needs to be declared! Phrases such as “I love you” and “you matter to me” cannot be implied, they must be said clearly (but not mechanically! A simple word of affection can reverse a situation of sadness or anger. Many are not used to expressing your feelings, but this can be changed with daily practice.